** Tristan Farnon Leisuretown oneliners ** -*-Fundamental-*- ; Time-stamp: "2008-07-30 04:07:45 ADT" Handy for your ~/.emacs: (require 'cookie1) (defun leisure () "Gimme leisure." (interactive) (message (cookie (expand-file-name (substitute-in-file-name "~$LOGNAME/wherever/leisuretown.lines" )) "" ""))) (leisure) %% !!! MAKE MONEY FAST !!! OH GOD HELP I'M DROWING IN THE TOILET %% "ADOBE" IS ALMOST EBOLA SPELLED BACKWARDS %% "BINDIST" CAN ALSO BE PRONOUNCED "BEEN DISSED" WHICH MEANS "BEEN DISRESPECTED" %% "FAGGOT" CAN ALSO MEAN A TIGHTLY-WRAPPED BUNDLE OF DICKS!!! I MEAN STICKS %% "PAYPAL" SOUNDS LIKE A GAY PORNO DVD TO ME %% $$$$ MAKE MONEY FAST $$$$ OH GOD HELP I'M DROWING IN THE TOILET %% $$$$ YOU CAN DRAG ME TO THE TRASH CAN WITHOUT SO MUCH AS A GLANCE $$$$ %% *** FREE chocolate ice cream cones delivered to your ex-girlfriend's lap *** %% ***FREE*** EMAIL!!!!! IT CANNOT BE!!!! CLICKING HERE EVEN THOUGH IT'S A TRAP %% **HOT** TOSHIBA NOTEBOOKS NOW ON SALE IN SOME IDIOT'S GARAGE %% **SOB** MY TAMAGOCHI DIED!!! trash can %% **SOB** THE POOR OVERWORKED CHILDREN OF OTHER NATIONS %% *BONK* OW MY HEAD WITH A BEER BOTTLE %% *GAK* THE SWEATSHIRT HOOD PULLED DOWN OVER MY HEAD AND *GLK* THE STRINGS %% *POOF* MAGICALLY I TRANSFORM MYSELF INTO SOMETHING AMUSING %% *SIGH* PLEASE STOP FOLLOWING ME DOWN THE HALLWAY ASKING QUESTIONS YOU STUPID TOOL %% *SPLUTTER* *CHOKE* ALL OVER MY NEW DRESS AND SHOES AND MEMBERS-ONLY JACKET %% ...:::;;;===((({{{[[[<<< I SAID KILL YOURSELF >>>]]]}}})))===;;;:::... %% .:: THESE COLONS AND PERIODS SHOWCASE MY DESIGN SKILLS ::. %% [an error occurred while processing this noisy, disruptive ad] %% {[[~{{A ~[[A{~[ ???~''?''?~'''??'' DUH NEED FRASH 5 PRUG-IN FOR VIEWING [A[A~[~{[A~ %% A SPILLED BONG IS JUST A MOPPORTUNITY %% A VERY SPECIAL TWO-HOUR SEASON PREMIERE !!!! noose neck snap etc %% A&E - 9pm - TRAPPED IN A LAND WITH NO PORN OR TV %% A&E 7:00pm: Bill Kurtis puts the "gay" in "Investigaytive Reports" (Cc, Stereo) %% About Us! | Clients | Portfolio | Privacy Policy | Blowjobs | Suicide | Heil Hitler %% ADD ME TO THE LIST!!!!!! OF PEOPLE WHO HAVE MADE THIS JOKE %% Advertisement: DEATH DEATH DEATH DEATH DEATH DEATH DEATH %% Advertisement: Sprint Introduces Pre-Paid Blowjob Cards %% AND THEN YOU WOKE UP AND IT WAS ALL A DREAM!!! THE END %% ANY BLOOM COUNTY FANS??? OOP!! ACK!!! killing myself %% ANY GALS HERE INTO MUSIC??? BECAUSE I'M A TWELVE-INCH SINGLE %% Apply now for INSTANT CREDIT and chop your head off. %% ARE YOU JERKING OFF AS A DEFENSE MECHANISM? %% Are you overweight or in debt or depressed or just freaked out constantly? %% ARE YOU REALLY GAY BECAUSE OF A FREAK TRANSPORTER ACCIDENT??? LIAR %% ARE YOU THERE GOD??? I NEED A SNICKERS %% Are you tired of living in fear and constantly changing your phone number? %% Ask Jeeves: CAN I GET AIDS FROM TAKING A SHIT ???? %% ASK ME ABOUT THE EXTRA-MARITAL AFFAIR I HAD WHERE I COULDN'T EVEN GET IT UP %% AT THE VERY LEAST I HAVE MY BLOG TO FALL BACK ON %% AT THIS TIME I WOULD LIKE TO APOLOGIZE FOR THE URINE IN THE CAFETERIA %% BANANARAMA GOT A LOT BETTER AFTER THEY DUMPED BIG-NOSE %% BANNER ADS: GUARANTEED TO KEEP THOSE GOD DAMN LITERATURE/ART SNOBS FAR AWAY %% BINDIST CAN ALSO BE PRONOUNCED "BEEN DISSED" WHICH MEANS "BEEN DISRESPECTED" %% BOSTON WAGES WAR AGAINST CANCER: BOSTON 0, CANCER 80,000,000,000,000 %% BOTH MY PANTS POCKETS ARE FLOPPED OUT!!! KISS THE BUNNY ON THE NOSE?? %% BREAK the nicotine habit and smash a car window and steal the CD player! %% BUG #39439: MY DONG IS CAUGHT IN A WINE BOTTLE!!! NOT A JOKE %% BY PLACING M&M'S INTO A PAPER CUP I CAN PRACTICALLY DRINK THEM %% CAN SOMEONE SELL ME A BOOK ON HOW TO GET MY WEBSITE CACHED IN GOOGLE?? %% CAN WE ALL DO A BUSBY BERKELEY NUMBER WHERE WE LINE UP AND SUCK DICK %% CAN'T REALLY SAY WHY I DON'T WANT YOU TO BE MY GIRLFRIEND (SHOVING YOU OUT THE DOOR) %% CATCH THE CYBERWAVE WITH THESE OTHER HOT BLOGS AND HYPERTEXT HOTLINKS.... %% Caution: Gothic Vampire Zone!!!!>
< %% CBS 8:00pm. Will There Ever Be A Rainbow? (Cc, Stereo) %% CBS 8:00pm: Murder, She Mentioned (Cc, Stereo) %% CELEBRATING THE FIVE-YEAR ANNIVERSARY OF THIS COMPANY'S INCOMPETENCESHIP %% CHASING YOU AROUND THE HOUSE TO A REPETITIVE DANNY ELFMAN SOUNDTRACK %% CHEERS to separate dorm rooms for boys and girls!!! JEERS to locks/deadbolts %% CHILD MOLESTERS AND PEDOPHILES ON THE INTERNET ??? I SIMPLY DON'T BELIEVE IT %% CHOCOLATE AND SHOPPING AND BATHING SUITS AND GETTING FIRED %% CLEAN UP ON AISLE 2-13 %% CLICK HERE FOR TEN MILLION POP-UP WINDOWS ABOUT FORD TRUCKS AND THE X-10 %% Click here for your free Pepsi One Infotainment calendar! *BLAM* dead forever %% Click here for your FREE trial issue of Yahoo Internet Life! CAUTION: 100% ANAL SEX %% Click here to help build another Starbucks, Noah's Bagels, Jamba Juice or Old Navy! %% CLICK HERE TO JOIN THE ELITE UNDERGROUND MONEY SPENDING WEBRING %% CLICK HERE TO LEARN MORE ABOUT TEENAGE GIRLS AND LAXATIVE ABUSE %% Click here to stop terrorism around the globe once and for all. %% Click here to support mandatory prayer in public schools! %% CLICK TO LEARN MORE ABOUT ME!!!IMG SRC="GAY.JPG> %% Collect all one million billion plastic iMacs! %% COLUMBINE? MORE LIKE COLUMBONG!!! hglbhlgbhglbhglbhth * COUGH * SPLUTTER * %% COME WITH ME ON A TRANCELADELIC EXCURSIONAL ODYSSEY OF ELECTRONICA !!!!!! %% COULD THE PERSON IN THE NEXT STALL PLEASE LET GO OF MY PANT LEG %% DEAR GOD PLEASE DON'T FIRE ME UNTIL I'VE SAVED SOME MONEY %% DEAR NAPSTER: KEEP ON REACHING FOR THAT BIG FAT INVISIBLE DICK IN THE SKY %% DEAR PENTHOUSE!!! CAN WE STOP DRESSING THEM UP AS CLOWNS ??? %% DESIGNERS: DOES YOUR WEB PAGE LOOK ENOUGH LIKE MTV???? *HURK* DOG SHIT %% DID ANYONE GET MY FLYER ABOUT THE FREE TAROT READINGS IN MY CUBE DURING LUNCH %% DID YOU HEAR THE ONE ABOUT THE INSOMNIAC AGNOSTIC DYSLEXIC ?? HE WASN'T FUNNY %% DISAPPOINTED BY THE RICH MILK CHOCOLATE BUT DELIGHTED BY THE NOUGAT %% Discovery 8:00pm. "Smart" dicks which suck themselves and also each other (Cc, Stereo) %% DO I NEED TO DRAW YOU A MAP TO THE PAYPAL DONATE BUTTON?? %% DO NOT CLICK THIS LINK UNTIL XMAS %% DO YOU GALS LIKE EUROPEANS?? CAUSE I'VE GOT RUSSIAN HANDS AND ROMAN FINGERS %% Do you have holes poked in you, rendering you useless to collectors? %% DOES WAVING A FLAG IN YOUR FACE FOR THREE HOURS COUNT AS PATRIOTISM %% DOES YOUR BOSS CALL PLAYING WITH HIS NUTS A "REORG" ? %% Don't be a dick: if this site goes into basic, please type RUN at the "]" prompt. %% DOWN WITH PANTS AND UP WITH SKIRTS %% Download the newest, slowest, most non-functional version of Netscape Communicator NOW! %% DRAGGING A STACK OF PORN ONTO A NETWORK PRINTER AND GOING HOME FOR THE WEEKEND %% DRIVE YOUR WEB COUNTER BALLISTIC!!!!! 0000000000000002 %% DURRRRRRRRR THIS HOLOGRAM T-SHIRT PROVES I'M MICROSOFT CERTIFIED %% Earn bonus miles! MILES AND MILES OF DICK UNFURLING LIKE A HOSE %% EARN VALUABLE COLLEGE CREDIT HANGING UPSIDE DOWN IN A CONCENTRATION CAMP %% Easy-Access Email! Wireless Webs! *GURK* HOSE DOWN MY PANTS %% EIGHT SNICKERS LATER I HAVE DIARRHEA %% ENROLL NOW: THE DICKLICKING FINISHING SCHOOL OF DUMBFUCK, COCKSUCKERSVILLE %% ETHNIC ALBANIANS???? MORE LIKE ETHNIC COMPLAINIANS %% EVERYONE BE QUIET I HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY!!!!!! %% EXCITING OFFERS FROM SPRINT, AT&T, BANK OF AMERICA, PROCTOR & GAMBLE %% EXCUSE ME LADY BUT THAT DOORKNOB OVER THERE NEEDS TO KNOW IF YOU THINK I'M CUTE %% Experience the wonder of Jack in the Box %% EXPOSED: THE SECRET CONFERENCES OF THE ONE-MAN BATHROOM STALL AT WORK BEATOFF SOCIETY %% FAGGOT CAN ALSO MEAN A TIGHTLY-WRAPPED BUNDLE OF DICKS!!! I MEAN STICKS %% FAMILY MATTERS FOLLOWED BY FULL HOUSE AND THEN A BONUS FAMILY MATTERS %% FIRST I WILL CLONE MYSELF, THEN I WILL KILL MYSELF %% First law of artificially intelligent robots: ONLY HARM MY EX-GIRLFRIENDS %% FOLKS CAN I PUT REGULAR TOILET PAPER IN THE PLAIN PAPER COPIER OR NOT %% FOLKS CAN WE PLEASE NEVER SPELL IT "BOLOGNA" %% FOLKS I'M HAVING AN ASTHMA ATTACK: HURRRRFFFF HUHHHH glklth %% FOLKS I'VE BEEN FIRED FROM SIX COMPANIES FOR MY UFO BELIEFS %% FOLKS MY PSYCHIC GIRLFRIEND DUMPED ME BEFORE I EVEN ASKED HER OUT %% FOLKS, ONE OF MY FIVE CATS JUST KNOCKED THE BONG OVER %% FOLKS: DOES VIVID VIDEO ACTUALLY EMPLOY MORE THAN ONE PORN STAR ???? %% FOLKS: I AM A ***PERSON*** WITH ***FEELINGS*** %% Food Network 11:35am. Diagnosis: Cinnamon Buns (Cc, Stereo) %% FOR SHOW AND TELL THIS WEEK I HAVE CHOSEN TO COMMIT SUICIDE!! *BLAM* chalkboard %% FOR THE LAST TIME: AN ELF IS WORTH MORE THAN AN ORC BUT *LESS* THAN A UNICORN %% FOX 10:00pm. Fox Presents: When Commercials Attack (Cc, Stereo) %% FREE PORN!! CLICK HERE!! WARNING: SAME SHIT YOU SAW THREE YEARS AGO %% FUNNY DINOSAURS: THE COCKASAURUS NUTS!! THE PRICKASAURUS FACE!! THE DONG-A-LAPTICYL etc %% Fwd> Re: should i stick dee-lite.gif in the /white or /colored dir %% Fwd> Subject: WAS: RE: WAS: RE: WAS: RE: WAS: RE: WAS: RE: STOP STALKING ME %% GALS: I JUST TOOK A DATE-RAPE DRUG AND I'LL BE OUTSIDE ASLEEP ON THE LAWN %% GALS: THERE MAY BE ONLY 206 BONES IN YOUR BODY BUT I'M WILLING TO MAKE IT 207 %% GOSH DARN THESE TELEMARKETERS NEVER RETURNING MY CALLS %% GOTTA HAVE A MC-D-L-T / IF YOU WANNA BE / WITH / ME %% HANDS UP WHO LIKES ME OR THINKS I'M PRETTY OR CAN GIVE ME MONEY %% HANDS UP WHO STOLE MY DATING RESUME FROM OUT OF THE PRINTER TRAY ?? %% HELP ME ACHIEVE DEATH BY WAY OF A PROSTITUTE OVERDOSE %% Help save our oceans by removing the sea sponges soaking it all up! %% Help starving banner ads in other nations receive clicks. %% HELP STARVING CHILDREN MAKE CLOTHES AND HATS FROM CONSTRUCTION PAPER %% HEY EVERYONE: LET'S HOP ABOARD THE BIG PORNOGRAPHY VAN TO MEXICO %% HEY TEACHERS: STOP TRYING TO MAKE SCIENCE FUN %% HEY: HOW DOES A CAT SUCK COCK???? WITH ITS *****MEOWTH***** %% hglbhgl bhlhglb hlghpth I PUBLISH FICTION AND POLITICAL NON-FICTION blghlbh glbhl thpk %% Hint: ASTERISKS REALLY **LEAP** OUT AND MAKE POTENTIAL CUSTOMERS GIVE A SHIT %% HONEY CAN YOU PLEASE TURN AROUND AND NOT LOOK AT ME BEATING OFF??? THANX %% HONK IF YOUR DAUGHTER IS FAILING HER CLASSES %% HOW CAN THEY BE SWEET *****AND**** TART??? (ASKING JEEVES) %% HOW DO DALEKS MASTURBATE WITH ALL THOSE KNOBS AND ETC??? %% HOW MANY MORE GNOCCI AL PESTO DUMPLINGS CAN I STUFF IN MY MOUTH !?!??! STAY TUNED %% I ALSO HAVE A SERIOUS SIDE AND I'M TIRED OF NOT BEING TREATED MORE MATURELY %% I AM PLAYING HOOKY FROM WORK AND I NEED TO KNOW WHAT I SHOULD BUY AT THE STORE %% I AM SWEDISH AND DROWNING AND ASKING FOR HJALP!! JA JA IN DER TOILET %% I BUILT A CONTENT PUBLISHING SYSTEM OUT OF TOILET PAPER! (COME LOOK) %% I CALL THEM ONLINE CYBERTOONZ!!! UPDATED EACH MONDAY!!! wheze, choke %% I CAN OPEN A CAN OF PRINGLES USING JUST MY TEETH AND BOTH HANDS AND A CAN OPENER %% I CAN'T SPEAK FOR EVERYONE BUT I LIKE TO CARRY MY DICE AROUND IN A POUCH %% I CAN'T WAIT UNTIL 2086 WHEN THE MARS ROBOT COMES BACK WITH ROCKS!!! %% I COULDN'T REPAIR YOUR BRAKES SO I JUST MADE YOUR HORN HONK LOUDER %% I DO NOT NOW, NOR WILL I EVER HAVE A WEINER DUDE ATTITUDE %% I DON'T LIKE LOTION CALLED "KISS MY FACE" %% I GET CONFUSED BETWEEN THE CINGULAR WIRELESS LOGO AND BLOOD SPATTER %% I GOT MY TIE CAUGHT IN THE COPIER AGAIN %% I GUESS THERE'S NOTHING COOL ABOUT PUNCHING CHILDREN OR THE ELDERLY %% I HAD AN ACCIDENT AND FILLED UP MY PANTS LIKE AN AIRBAG %% I HAVE A SERIOUS PROBLEM WITH HOW YOU MAKE FUN OF ME %% I HAVE CHARTS AND GRAPHS WHICH ILLUSTRATE HOW IMPORTANT I AM %% I HAVE NO PEOPLE SKILLS WHATSOEVER %% I HAVE SOME QUESTIONS ABOUT YOUR CODE - SUGGESTIONS REALLY, IN THE FORM OF DIRECT ORDERS %% I HOPE YOU DON'T MIND I CLEANED YOUR KITCHEN AND FOLDED ALL YOUR CLOTHES %% I HOPE YOU USE THE INFORMATION FOR GOOD AND NOT TO TELL MY BOSS %% I LIKE MASTURBATING BECAUSE OF ALL THE CUDDLE TIME AFTERWARDS %% I LIKE TO GET STONED AND TALK ABOUT THE COEN BROTHERS %% I LIKE TO THINK MY RADIOACTIVE KITTY CAT HAS EIGHTEEN HALF-LIVES %% I LOADED THE DOPE-SMOKING PIPE AND THEN WANDERED AWAY FROM IT LIKE AN IDIOT %% I NAMED MY HAMSTER MORPHEUS !!!!!! THEN HE DIED AND I FLUSHED HIM %% I ONLY SUCK DICK IN SELF DEFENSE AND AT THE BOOKSTORE %% I PUT ASCII CATS AND CHOCOLATE-RELATED INSPIRATIONAL SNIPPETS IN MY SIG !! %% I REFUSE TO BELIEVE THAT'S FRUIT ROLLED UP IN A TUBE %% I REFUSE TO PAY THE PHONE BILL DUE TO THE FACT IT VIOLATES FREE SPEECH %% I SAID: HANDS UP WHO WANTS TO HELP MAKE AN ASCII-ONLY VERSION OF EVERQUEST %% I SEE YOU SCANNING GAY GROUPS AND GIVING OUT YOUR WORK NUMBER ON CHANNEL #FAGGOT %% I SEE YOU TV-36!!!! static %% I SHOULD MAIL THIS PAGE TO MY BOSS AND MY MOM AND ALL MY FRIENDS!!! WORD UP!!! %% I SHOULD MAIL YOU A PLAIN ENVELOPE STUFFED WITH POSITIVE ATTITUDETHRAX %% I SHOULD MAKE A FUNNY FAQ WITH ASCII ART ABOUT MY FAMILY AND MAIL IT TO MOM %% I SHOULD SMOKE THIS DOPE JUST TO SEE WHAT HAPPENS %% I SURE AM COZY UNDER THESE BLANKETS!!! OH GOD A SPIDER *BONK* OW JESUS I THINK ELLEN SHOULD GET ALZHEIMER'S AND "COME OUT" IN EVERY EPISODE %% I THINK ELLEN SHOULD GET ALZHEIMER'S AND "COME OUT" IN EVERY EPISODE %% I USE MY POWERS FOR GOOD AND ALSO TO REPRODUCE BUGS %% I WILL SUE FOR THE RIGHT TO LICK YOUR DICK (FAXING YOU THE CONSTITUTION) %% I WISH A CARTOONIST WOULD DRAW A STARBUCKS ON THE MOON!!! HILARIOUS!!(&*$ %% I WISH YOUR LITTLE FRIENDS WOULD STOP LOGGING IN HERE AND TRYING TO BE FUNNY %% I WOULD LIKE TO CHOOSE STOP FROM THE BLOWJOB MENU %% I WOULD LIKE TO REGISTER AS A WEB DEVELOPER AND ALSO A CHILD MOLESTER %% I WOULD LIKE TO REPORT AN UNLICKED DICK IN THE NORTHWEST CORNER OF MY PANTS %% I'D RATHER BE SAILING!!! *BONK* OW glub glub %% IF I COULD REARRANGE THE ALPHABET I'D PUT U AND I TOGETHER!!! THEN I'D DUMP U %% IF I LISTEN TO THE SAME BANANARAMA SONG TWO HUNDRED TIMES IN A ROW, I GET SICK OF IT %% IF I SAID YOU HAD A BEAUTIFUL BODY WOULD YOU LIVE AROUND HERE OFTEN???? COME BACK %% IF I WERE A TUFTE, I'D WANT THE LORAX TO SAVE ME (AND NOT GET CHOPPED DOWN BY POLLUTION) %% IF ONLY I COULD JUST LEAVE THIS PLACE AND NEVER COME BACK %% IF THIS TEXT WERE IN A UNIQUE LAYER IT COULD FLOAT AROUND!! %% IF YOU DON'T GIVE ME $10.00 I'LL JUST TELL EVERYONE YOU MOLESTED ME %% IF YOU DON'T WORK FOR UPS YOU'RE NOT ENTITLED TO STAMP MY PACKAGE %% IF YOU HEAR BEAUTIFUL MUSIC COMING FROM A TOILET IT'S PROBABLY A TRAP %% IF YOU SMASH THE AIR CONDITIONER ALL THE GIRLS WILL EVENTUALLY TAKE THEIR SHIRTS OFF %% IF YOU THROW OUT ALL THE G'S HIS NAME IS SNOOP DOY DO %% IGNORING ME IS NOT THE SOLUTION %% I'LL NAME MY SERVER "DILBERT" AND THEN GIRLS WILL LIKE ME %% I'M A CHAR TO A STAR TO A POINTER TO THIS GUN TO RIGHT IN MY MOUTH AND GOODBYE %% I'M A CHARCOAL BRIQUETTE!!! SQUIRT ME WITH FLUID AND LIGHT ME!!! *FOOMP* URF %% I'M A LIMPWRITHTED JEDI MATHTER UTHING THE FORTH %% I'M A SKILLED IMMIGRANT WITH A TIE AND A RESUME AND A DREAM %% I'M AN ELECTRONIC MUSICIAN SCULPTING SYNTHESIZED SOUND SHAPES!! *GLK* suicide %% I'M BEGINNING TO THINK THERE ARE NO GIRLS HERE AT ALL %% I'M BRILLIANT!!! THE BALLS ATE MY BALLS PAGE!!! WE SHOULD TOTALLY DO IT!!!! %% I'M GOING TO HOLD MY BREATH UNTIL YOU ADMIT YOU HAVE A PROBLEM %% I'M GOING TO ROLL UP MY DIPLOMA INTO A TUBE AND SET IT ON FIRE AND BLAST OFF %% I'M GOING TO VISUALLY INSPECT MY DOODLE FOR SIGNS OF VERBAL ABUSE %% I'M GOING TO WRITE A BLACKADDER / MR. BEAN CROSSOVER WHICH TAKES PLACE ON GALLIFREY %% I'M INTERCEPTING YOUR PACKETS AND DECODING YOUR SECRET GAYNESS SO GIVE ME MONEY %% I'M NOT "CONSTANTLY STONED" - I TAKE TIME OUT TO ORDER POTSTICKERS %% I'M SENSING A LITTLE JUDGEMENT FROM YOU PEOPLE %% I'M STARTING TO THINK I WORE A TIE FOR NOTHING %% I'M TIRED OF YOUR NORDSTROM SUITS AND THAT CARTON OF BANANA YOGURT EVERY DAY %% I'M WEARING BIG SHOES AND CLOMPING AROUND TO A TECHNO CD!!! HOLD MY HAND %% IN ANCIENT LANDS I MIGHT COUNT THE NUMBER OF TIMES I BEAT OFF LIKE SO: MCMDLVII %% IN DEBT? Change your name and run away and hide forever. %% IN ENGLAND THEY MIGHT REFER TO ME AS A COLOURFUL PAEDOPHILE %% IN THE BLACK COMMUNITY, BEING "DISSED" MEANS BEING "DISRESPECTED" !! %% INSPIRATIONAL FAITH-BASED MAGIC SHOW IN THE BREAKROOM AT 3:30!! PLEASE COME!! %% INSTANT MESSAGE FROM JESUS CHRIST: YOU'RE FIRED %% INSTANT MESSAGE: FUCK YOU %% Instant Rap: DO THAT TRICK / WHERE YOU LICK MY DICK / etc / etc %% INSTANT RHYMING DICTIONARY: FORK SPORK DORK BJORK %% IS THERE SUCH A THING AS THE LESBIAN-ONLY WINDOW MANAGER ?? %% IS THIS AD ENOUGH OF AN IMMERSIVE EXPERIENCE FOR YOU DUMBSHITS %% IS THIS SOME KIND OF CYBERFEMINIST WEBZINE??? %% IS THIS THE INTERNET?? HELLO TRYING TO FIGURE OUT MY LIFE %% IT'S HARD FOR ME TO GRIP BOTH THE HANDLEBARS AND THE SHAMROCK SHAKE %% IT'S NO COINCIDENCE THAT STONER RHYMES WITH LONER RHYMES WITH BONER %% IT'S NOT ABOUT LICKING DICK IT'S ABOUT LICKING DICK UNDER OATH %% JESUS CHRIST - JUST CLEAR THE BUFFER AND MOVE ON WITH YOUR LIFE %% JOIN SALON TABLETALK AND RECEIVE A FREE TOTEBAG!! *BLAM* OH GOD *BLAM BLAM* %% JUST KEEP CLICKING UNTIL YOUR HOUSE BURNS DOWN %% KBHK 11:00am: Jerry Springer. Scheduled: people with problems. (Cc, Stereo) %% KICKED OUT OF THE SILICON VALLEY LINUX USERS GROUP FOR MASTURBATING %% Kids! Click here to learn more about decimals and fractions! %% KIDS: GRAB YOUR MOM'S CREDIT CARD WHILE SHE'S ALSEEP AND CLICK HERE %% KNOW WHAT I HAD FOR BREAKFAST THIS MORNING ???? PORN CATALOGS !!! %% LA LA LA LA / LIVE FOR TODAY / LA LA LA LA / FAGGOTS ARE GAY %% LA LA LA LA LA HOLDING MY HANDS OVER MY EARS NOT LISTENING %% LADIES: CLICK HERE AND RECEIVE A FREE BOYFRIEND FOR ONE WEEK!!! THEN PLEASE LEAVE %% Ladies: CLICK HERE to download free chocolate and coupons! %% LADIES: JOIN THE CUDDLE WUDDLE KITTY KLUB WEB RING TODAY %% Learn more about frequent, painful urination. %% LEAVING MY FRONT DOOR UNLOCKED IN CASE GIRLS COME OVER %% LET'S FORM A RAP SUPER GROUP AND SING ABOUT EDUCATION AND MATH!!! READY GO %% LET'S GO TO SEARS AND TRY THINGS ON BUT NOT BUY ANYTHING %% LICK THE DICK AND WIN 20 DOLLARS!!! %% LOOK AT MY WILTY LITTLE THINGAMADOODLE DANGLING IN THE SUMMER SUN %% Make a cyberdifference in a child's life %% MAKE SURE WHEN MOM OPENS THE CLOSET DOOR YOU REMAIN STILL LIKE E.T. %% MAY I PLEASE COMMIT SEPPUKU AND BUKKAKE AT THE SAME TIME??? SPLURK STAB SPLORT %% MAYBE YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT I MEAN BY "SUCK THE DICK OR LOSE YOUR JOB" %% ME MACINTOSH PROGRAMMER, ME CRASHUM MEMORY HEAP MACSBUG %% MENTAL NOTE: MORE DICK JOKES, LESS ARTSY-FARTSY EMOTIONAL BULLSHIT %% m-must....... reach............. rape whistle....... .. . . . . . . %% MOMS! Click here for a basket of cuddly kittens wearing American flags! %% MY CAPS LOCK KEY IS BROKEN BUT I CAN STILL TYPE PLEASE DONATE %% MY CD PLAYER IS SQUEAKING AND SQUAWKING LIKE MY FUCKING GIRLFRIEND %% MY DAD POOFED INTO A BAT AND FLAPPED INTO MY ROOM AND PUT HIS WING DOWN MY PANTS %% MY DJ NAME IS M.C. DONALDS AND I SPIN VINYL ABOUT BURGERS AND FRIES AND SHAKES %% MY DOG SAYS I'M NOT ALLOWED TO TALK TO YOU (ONLINE OR OTHERWISE) %% MY MOM WAS ALL "YOU'RE NOT TAKING THE CAR" AND I WAS LIKE "FUCK YOU HITLER" %% MY PAC MAN FEVER IS NOW OFFICIALLY FULL BLOWN PAC MAN AIDS %% MY PROGRAM WON'T COMPILE AND ALSO I WENT BLIND LOOKING AT THE ECLIPSE %% MY RED SPACESHIP SMASHED INTO A BLUE PLANET AND OUR CREW WAS MAROONED!! GET IT??? %% MY TROUSERS ARE WHAT WE HERE IN THE SILICON VALLEY LIKE TO CALL "CONTENT RICH" %% MY WEB-BASED SOAP OPERA WAS A WEB-BASED DISASTER %% NBC 8pm: The Drunk Guy Who Never Shuts Up Whose Name Is Dad (Cc, Stereo) %% NBC PRESENTS AN ALL-STAR COMEDY SALUTE TO *CLICK* BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM %% Netcenter: Netscape ships Communicator 6.0.3.5a with support for rendering HTML %% NICKELODEON 9:00am: Spaceship Boring blasts off to Planet Snooze (Cc, Stereo) %% NOBODY CAME TO MY POETRY TENT AT BURNING MAN %% NOTHING BEATS AN OFFICE COMEDIAN LIKE THIS TIRE IRON!! BONK *BANK* CLANK SHUT UP %% OFF YOU GO / TO SPEND YOUR DOUGH / WITHOUT YOUR COMMON SENSE / YOU'RE A DOUGH-NUT %% OKAY EVERYONE RESIZE YOUR WINDOWS WIDE BECAUSE HERE COMES A PBS PLEDGE BREAK %% OKAY I HAVE TO ASK MY MANAGER FOR HELP WITH THE BADGE-SWIPER THING %% OKAY SLIPPING MY BUSINESS CARD UNDER THE STALL DOOR SO YOU CAN GET TO KNOW ME %% OKAY VERY FUNNY: WHO WROTE "SEX BOAT" ON MY CAR WITH SOAP THAT DOESN'T COME OFF %% OKAY WHO FILLED THE TOILET BOWL ABOVE AND BEYOND THE WATERLINE %% OKAY, WHO STOLE THE DIRTY MAGAZINES OUT FROM UNDER MY BED %% OKAY: YOU PULL THE FIRE ALARM AND I'LL THROW THE BEER BOTTLE %% ON MY SHITTY TV THE PEOPLE'S LAWYER APPEARS TO HAVE A PEOPLE'S BONER %% ONLINE GAMBLING - CLICK HERE TO SUCK OUR DICKS FOREVER - VISA/MC/AMEX %% ONLY GOD AND THE HUBBLE TELESCOPE KNOW ABOUT YOUR PORNOGRAPHY COLLECTION %% ONLY NICE, CUTE GIRLS UNDER 21 SHOULD CLICK HERE %% ONLY ONE WORD DESCRIBES E-COMMERCE: CYBER CALI FRAGIL ISTIC EXPIALI DOCIOUS !!!!!! %% ONLY THE HIPPEST MEMBERS OF GENERATION Y NEED CLICK HERE %% ONLY YOU CAN SAVE THIS SITE FROM FINANCIAL RUIN OR CRUEL JOKES ON FUCKED COMPANY %% OPTIMIZED AS IN OPTIMIZTIC. %% OUT COMES THE YELLOW PAGES AND STRAIGHT TO THE ESCORT SECTION %% OVERWEIGHT MOMS: CLICK HERE FOR AN INCREDIBLE DIET PROGRAM INVOLVING ANAL SEX %% PARDON MY FRENCH BUT CAN I PLEASE HAVE A HANDJOB %% PBS (9:30pm) - The Day The Universe Went Off The Air Because Nobody Wanted Tote Bags %% PBS 9:00pm: NOVA. Anne Frank Meets the Daleks (Cc, Stereo) %% PINK HEARTS - YELLOW MOONS - ORANGE STARS - GREEN CLOVERS - PURPLE BRUISES %% PLEASE CALL MY BBS %% PLEASE DON'T TELL ANYONE ABOUT MY BONER UNDER THE TABLE AT THANKSGIVING %% PLEASE HELP THIS BANNER AD STANDARDIZE A FAILED CONCEPT %% PLEASE SEND ME PIX!! WRITING YOU AGAIN IN CASE THE FIRST MAIL DISAPPEARED %% POKING AND STROKING MY WAY INTO A GOOD COLLEGE %% PRETEND I'M PAUL FROM THE DIAMOND CENTER AND YOU NEED CREDIT %% PRETEND I'M THE 54 TO WESTGATE AND YANK MY DICK AND SAY NEXT STOP PLEASE %% PRETEND OUR CAR IS DIAGONALLY PARKED IN A PARALLEL UNIVERSE AND YOU HAVE TO KISS ME %% PROUD MEMBER OF THE CHICKCLICK ESTROGEN SNOWBALL UGO BLA-BLA ADSOURCE NETWORK %% PROUD TO OFFER A SMOKE-FREE, DRUG-FREE, ALCOHOL-FREE, EMPLOYEE-FREE WORKPLACE %% psst: i accidentally spilled dope smoke into my mouth and lungs ten times %% PSST: I CAN SEE STRAIGHT THROUGH YOUR DRESS TO YOUR FLOWERY BLOOMERS %% PSST: WHEN THE SPACE SHUTTLE RETURNS WE SHOULD ALL DRESS IN APE SUITS %% PULL MY DICK ONCE FOR YES, FOUR HUNDRED TIMES FOR NO %% Q: WHEN IS PIXAR GOING TO TURN THIS SITE INTO A HEARTWARMING ANIMATED COMEDY ?? %% QUICK!!! GRAB THIS SACK OF FLOUR AND - *FOOMP* OH GOD JESUS NO YOU IDIOT QUITTING MY GAS STATION JOB AND STARTING A WEB-BASED SOAP OPERA %% Re: PISS ON MY FACE LIKE I'M A GAY FIRE RAGING OUT OF THE CLOSET %% Re: SEXUALLY ABUSED DURING THE FIRST YEAR OF MY EMPLOYMENT %% RED HEARTS YELLOW MOONS ORANGE STARS GREEN CLOVERS AND FUCKING FAGGOTS %% Register to win an endless, massive hosing of spam from which there can be no escape! %% REGISTER YOUR DOMAIN TODAY FOR ONLY TWELVE THOUSAND DOLLARS %% RELATIVELY CERTAIN I HAVE NOTHING TO CONTRIBUTE %% REMEMBER THE APPLE II+ ?? REMEMBER ATARI ADVENUTRE ?? FIND DAD'S GUN AND BRING IT TO SCHOOL %% REMEMBER THE EIGHTIES???!?! REMEMBER THE SEVENTIES??? FUCK YOU IDIOT MORONS FOREVER %% REMINDER: YOU CAN PUT PORNOGRAPHY ON A CD AS EASILY AS IDIOTIC MUSIC %% Rent all the DVD's you want for FIFTY THOUSAND DOLLARS %% Reuters (AP) - WORLD TRADE CENTER NEW SUPER STARBUCKS %% REVENGE IS A DISH BEST SERVED UP IN ONLINE WEBZINE FORMAT!! CLICK FOR COUPONS %% REVOLUTIONARY "FACEPHONES" ALLOW GIRLS TO GIVE BLOWJOBS OVER NETWORK %% ROCKIN' OUT WITH A PILLSBURY TOASTER STRUDEL!!!!! LOUD ANGRY GUITAR MUSIC %% ROSES ARE RED / VIOLETS ARE BLUE / SOME POEMS RHYME / THIS ONE JUST FALLS APART %% SASSY, CYNICAL WEB EDITRIX WITH A REGISTERED COPY OF DREAMWEAVER AND A VISION %% SAY THE PHRASE "LINUX DISK IMAGES" AND SEE HOW LONG I STAY AWAKE %% Secret Decoder Ring: F U CN RD THS U HV 2 SCNDZ 2 LK 10 MLN DX %% SELF-ESTEEM WORKSHOP AT MY PLACE???? PLEASE BRING HUGE BAGS OF WEED %% SERIOUSLY: WHO FILLED MY BONG WITH BIRD SEED AND HUNG IT FROM A TREE %% SHOULD I TAKE VITAMIN E OR JUST FIVE MILLION E TABLETS??? HOMPTH STUFF *BLGK* %% SHOVING A SOCCER BALL UP MY SHIRT AND WALKING AROUND LIKE I'M PREGNANT %% SINCE WHEN IS THE ART OF COMEDY SIMPLY AVOIDING TOILET HUMOR %% SIR MY BUS PASS SEEMS TO HAVE EXPIRED DUE TO THE FACT I CAN'T FIND IT %% SIR YOUR CAT IS SITTING ON ME AND WON'T GET UP AND KEEPS GOING TO THE BATHROOM %% SO I THINK ROBERT HEINEKEN IS MY FAVORITE SCI-FI AUTHOR WHO'S ALSO A BEER %% SOMEONE PLEASE PAY ATTENTION TO ME %% SOMEONE STOLE THE BUTTERSCOTCHES FROM MY DESK DRAWER %% SOMETIMES I PUSH THE BOTTOM OF MY SHIRT UP THROUGH THE COLLAR LIKE A HEE-HAW GIRL %% SOMETIMES I WAKE UP AND LEGOS ARE IN MY UNDERWEAR %% SORRY FOR THE WIDE DISTRIBUTION: I CANNOT FIT THROUGH THE STALL DOOR %% SORRY LADY!! I BEAT OFF TO BLONDES, I DON'T TALK TO THEM %% SORRY, THERE IS NOT ENOUGH MEMORY TO OPEN TEACH TEXT %% SPECIAL REPORT: Are Our School Shootings Safe? %% SQUEEZING A PERFECT "S" OF TOOTHPASTE ALONG MY DICK AND BRUSHING YOUR TEETH %% Stay in school! Say no to drugs! Learn MORE about Jesus Christ! Prevent abortions! Click here! %% STOP PULLING MY PIGTAILS %% Subject: I would also like everyone to know I'm aware this mail is a hoax!!! CC:ALL %% Subject: THE STAPLER WITH MY NAME ON IT SEEMS TO HAVE "VANISHED" AGAIN!! %% Subject: WHO STOLE THE VISUAL C++ CD'S FROM MY CUBE ??? I'M AN IDIOT %% SURE LADY, I'LL HAVE PHONE SEX WITH YOU!!! *SQUIRT* GOODNIGHT!!!! clonk, ba-donk %% SYSADMINS: YOU CANNOT ASSIGN "PERSIMMONS" TO A DIRECTORY - THOSE ARE FRUITS %% TEN BILLION SHORT FLASH ANIMATIONS!!! ALL ON DVD!!!! CLICK HERE TO KILL YOURSELF %% THANKS FOR CHOPPING DOWN ALL THE TREES AND NAMING STREETS AFTER THEM %% THAT IS NOT THE SORT OF LANGUAGE I EXPECT FROM A WEB DEVELOPER %% THAT'S ABOUT ENOUGH HUMOR AT THE EXPENSE OF PEOPLE WITH TESTICULAR CANCER %% THAT'S OKAY SOMETIMES IT HAPPENS AND WE CAN TRY AGAIN IN A FEW MINUTES etc. %% THE DOOR IS UNLOCKED AND MY PANTS ARE DOWN %% THE IMPLIED UNDERSTANDING IS THAT NOBODY KNOWS ABOUT THIS PLACE %% THE INTERNET IS A GIFT FROM OUR LORD AND SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST!!!! %% THE LITTLE ASCII ART DUCK WHO NEVER STOPPED COMPLAINING: o< THIS SUCKS %% THE NEW BRITNEY CD SURE IS UPBEAT AND FULL OF TEEN PEP !!!!!! *GAK* roofies %% THE SAD LITTLE ASCII ART DUCK: o< SUICIDE IS THE ONLY WAY OUT %% THERE'S NOTHING FUNNY ABOUT LIVING WITH TEN CATS ON NOB HILL %% THESE DIRTY MAGAZINES ARE FOR AN ART PROJECT, NOT A BEATING OFF PROJECT %% THESE LINKS ARE BLATANT HARASSMENT IN MY OPINIONATION %% THIS BONGHIT WILL MAKE ME FUNNY!! %% THIS BOOMERANG DOES NOT WORK!!!! IT IS STICK-SHAPED %% This is the hardest letter I've ever had to leave on your front porch. %% THIS IS THE UPPERCASE CLUB!! YOU NEED UPPERCASE JACKETS AND TIES TO BE HERE %% THIS JUST IN: ASDFL;KA J#*% &*$(BLG K#%V 9BU490J HGJKLTH %% THIS LOOKS MORE LIKE THE UNDERSIDE OF A TOILET AND LESS LIKE MACWORLD EXPO %% THIS PORN VIDEO HAS NO JERKOFFABLE GIRLS %% THIS SITE IS NOT FOR CHILDREN!! ONLY EDUCATED INTELLECTUALS WITH ATM CARDS %% THIS STEERING WHEEL DOWN MY PANTS IS DRIVING ME NUTS !!!!!!!!! GET IT %% TINKER, TAILOR, SOLDIER, MASTURBATOR %% To unsubscribe from this list, enter your credit card number: ____ ____ ____ ____ %% TOO DAZED WITH DICKS TO BOOKMARK THE BABYLON 5 FAQ ??? DOWNLOAD THE PDF %% T-SHIRTS!! COFFEE MUGS!! BUMPER STICKERS!! MOUSE PADS!! KILL YOURSELF THIS INSTANT %% UH-OH!! THE GUY WITH THE WORF SHIRT IS UPSET WITH HIS SHIFT LEADER !! %% UNCOMFORTABLE WITH THE CONCEPT OF A "MODEM WIZARD" %% UPDATE: CHRISTOPHER REEVE PUSHES HEALTH INSURANCE REFORM (WITH HIS NOSE) %% URGENT!! CLICK HERE FOR SPECIAL OFFERS AND oh fuck it already %% URGENT: PLEASE KEEP SHIFT-RELOADING THIS PAGE SO MY MODEM DOESN'T HANG UP %% URMPH *BONK* SON OF A - OW - URF *HONK* WELL THIS IS A FINE ROMANCE %% VERY FUNNY WITH THE CIGARETTE LIGHTER UNDER MY NUTS %% VIRUS ALERT!!! HURRRRRRRR *HONK* BLOWJOBS %% VISUALIZE WORLD PEACE!!!! SCREECH SMASH BOOM BURN %% Warm hearted Christian man with values seeks chubby-cheeked pre-teen dicks ($$$) %% WARNING: BONERS LOOSE IN THE FINANCIAL DISTRICT %% WE DON'T TALK LIKE THAT IN THIS HOUSE!! SHUT UP MOM %% WE ROCKETED TO JUPITER AND DISCOVERED IT'S ALL WET GAS AND WE COULDN'T LAND %% WELCOME ${'username') WE HAVE RECOMMENDATIONS FOR YOU IN %%cookiedump%%\>